Death, Life and all those amazing emotions

Posted by Elizabeth Sadhu on Jun 22, 2011 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

Dear Ones—These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of energy, emotions, life and
death. Yes, death has also come into my life with the loss of a dear woman who
was like my mum since I was 18. I loved her so much and she was a wonderful,
caring, supportive and beautiful human being. She died last week and I miss
her. But I don’t really know how to mourn her. I was of the family, but not,
because of divorce. My children were of the family, no doubts there. And all of
the family say I am of the family, but I don’t feel like I am of the family,
except occasionally. What does this say? I admit to confusion.

If I am grieving then they must be really grieving. I have this reticence that
does not want to be pushy about being with them but I feel really alone right
now in this process. I am not quite of the family, and don’t feel very
connected with my own blood family. Where do I turn? To my honey, of course,
and he has been wonderful and super supportive. My most beloved husband totally
loved her, also. They had such a connection but she was not like his mother.

For some reason there is part of me that feels I don’t even get to grieve for very
long, like it is not my right. Even though there is no law or program that
gives guidelines about length of grieving, I feel, for some reason, that I am
supposed to just get over it. No one is telling me this. I am putting some kind
of bullsh*t thing on myself. Well big surprise there since I have done this to
myself my whole life. Is this part of my healing process? Probably.

Ahhhhh…..getting a message from AA Michael and the angelic support team. Thank you!

Dearest beloved daughter…..yes, allow yourself to grieve
as long as it takes. No telling how long. You are allowed to feel deeply and
strongly about this woman who cared deeply for you, more deeply than you know.
She loved YOU, your humor, your sense of fun, your support and YOUR CHILDREN
and your cooking!! Please know this and just be in it. Wallow in it. We used
one of your favorite words, deliberately. Wallowing is useful and can be very
therapeutic at times. Allow all emotions to be seen, to be there. No suppression
allowed! We know how hard you are on yourself, dearest, as we have been with
you your whole life. We recognize that this woman was truly your mum, the best
you had in this lifetime. So wallow in your gratitude of her and her role in
your life and the beautiful relationship that only the two of you could really
know about. It was real and it was perfect for you both.

Thank you so much for this, dearest AA Michael and the team. This helps lift me up
and makes my heart feel lighter. I get that really there is no one who can
understand my grief since no one had this relationship in exactly the same way.
AND this is true for all of the family. They each have their own. We can be
united in the grieving but it is very individual.

I love you all and I cherish my life and what I have SO much. I am a blessed
woman. Wallowing in gratitude for all that I have and all that I AM.